Success! All Dressed Up in D.C.!

This blog documents my efforts to dress up as Billionaire for Bush for W's second Re-Coronation in January 2204. As you can see, I succeeded!

Dupont Circle Code Pink Anti-war Rally, January 20, 2005

The Practical Billionairess Begins her Journey!

When George W. Bush's policies pushed my portfolio past the billion mark, I just knew I had to join Billionaires For Bush post-haste to celebrate our beloved President's reign! But what's a billionairess to do to outfit herself with the necessary Billionaire For Bush (B4B) accoutrements when precious few of her billions are liquid? The following is a description of how this Practical Billionairess did it:

First, I visited the B4B website and found the Billionaires DIY guide. It challenged me to think about my billionairess persona. I went to the spa and considered my options. There were so many billionairesses or even multi-millionairesses to model myself upon: Hetty Green, Oprah Winfrey, Doris Duke, Imelda Marcos , Leona Helmsley...and those are just the real ones!

After long days deep in thought in my mudbath, it hit me – I was Margaret Dumont!! You must have seen Margaret - she was the foil to Groucho Marx in all those blockbuster movies from the ancient 1930's. Always impeccably dressed, always dripping with diamonds, always a dimwit. Not that I'm a dimwit, understand, but I admired her characters' constant insistence on adherence to protocol!!

Armed with my persona in hand, I enlisted the support of my darling nephew to find pictures of Margaret on the Internets. Those pictures of Margaret gave me ideas. Evening gowns! Diamonds! Furs! Long gloves! Even longer strings of pearls! Not a hair out of place! One could even envision her using a lorgnette. Now, all I had to do was to make the image a reality!

The Practical Billionairess Explores Ebay!

If you simply can not find a gown at a thrift store or consignment shop, you might want to try ebay (">Link). Have you tried ebay, darling? It is an auction website where all sorts of non-billionaires sell all sorts of billionaire-friendly merchandise! I took a look & found wonderful gowns starting at $7.95 with shipping! Even a better value than the thrift store! You can also find long gloves, diamonds, fur coats, pearls and even lorgnettes there!

There are a few tips to make ebay shopping easier for you. If you do a search with only a few terms, you will actually come up with more items to peruse than if you have more terms. For example, if you search with the words “evening gown 10” you will come up with ~428 items. A search for “fabulous size 10 evening gown for billionaires for bush”, sadly, comes up with zero items.

Also, there are a few things to watch out for on ebay: Beware of sellers who list a very low starting price for their items with no shipping costs. There are some sellers which will charge a very large shipping and “handling” charge for a modestly-priced item to make an enormous profit! Always make a sure you know exactly how much the seller will charge for shipping and handling before you bid. Feel free to send a polite email to sellers who haven’t listed shipping charges. Yes, it is crucial to wait for a reply before you go ahead and bid on the item! After all, it’s just fine for a fellow billionaire to make an extreme profit off one of the unwashed middle-class masses, but not off of you, a fellow Billionaire!

In addition, check the sellers feedback for both the number of sales they do and whether there have been problems. It is also crucial to read all the information about an item, especially the fine print! Make sure you scrutinize any photos very carefully. Sometimes a blurry photograph is just a way to hide the flaws in an item!

Finally, when you are bidding on an item, it is important for you to set a price that includes the shipping of the item. What is the sense in spending $5.95 to ship a $1.99 item? It is also so very important that set the price you are willing to pay for an item, submit that price as your maximum bid and stick to it! It is so very easy to get caught up in the excitement of bidding that you pay too much for an item. And wouldn't you rather spend that money on your next ski trip, darling?

The Marvelous Gowns!

Since I wanted an evening gown and had few liquid assets, I visited a local thrift store. Now, it was terribly dreary, but after I saw the formalwear racks I realized I had a discovered a secret! Most formal gowns are purchased for a special event and are worn once. Then they are hung in a closet for some time before being donated to a thrift store! So, the thrift store gowns are practically new and cost a mere $8.59! I was so excited, I bought three!

Now as a fellow-billionairess, I know it is difficult for you to imagine wearing a second-hand gown, so just think of the thrift or consignment store as a different kind of department store! They have fitting rooms and even have personal shoppers(well, if your idea of a personal shopper is someone who points you to a certain rack with a grunt and a shrug)!

One more thing: the rack at the store was a virtual mélange of styles from the past. This might not be the problem you may suppose. Just use your imagination and look for classical styling & good materials. You may just find that a “vintage” style may fit your B4B persona. For example, I saw a rhinestone-trimmed number with enormous shoulder pads which looked like something right out of “Dynasty”! A pair of ostentatious…er….tastefully large diamond earrings and a diamond necklace and you could look just like Krystal or Alexis!

When you try on the dress, just make sure the shoulders fit. You can easily alter your gown to take in the waist and/or hips, but the shoulders are very difficult to alter (I will talk about how to alter your gown in a future post). Also, it is better to buy something too big than something too small. If you do lose weight, you can always make your gown smaller. But you can’t always make a gown larger.

Finally, in choosing your gown, keep the weather in mind You may be tempted by that sleeveless number, but remember that our beloved President’s inauguration is in January. Also, since some of the celebrations of our beloved President will take place outside, you may want to wear long underwear under your gown. You simply must allow room for that! I know it sounds indelicate, but I am the Practical Billionairess, after all! More later, darlings!

The Shoes! The Jewels! The Gloves!

Now, simply *everybody* knows that accessories are how we billionairesses show our wealth. Diamonds! Pearls! Tiaras! Fancy Hats (when tiaras are not available)! Handbags! Shoes! Even Martini Glasses! Don't fret over your cash flow, darling, these luxe accessories are available everywhere for reasonable cost. For example, while I was at the thrift emporium, I had noticed the racks and racks of shoes on display and thought, “do I dare?” Then I noticed a lovely pair of pointy-toed pumps in beautiful condition, right under the sign which read, “All Shoes $4.50/pair”. I tried them on and they fit perfectly! They are black suede so will go with everything and they have low heels, so I can comfortably stand in support of our dear President for hours and hours!

As for jewels, I already had jewelry, so I opened the safe deposit box and jewelry vault to take a look. I had a string of pearls from my sorority days and a precious diamond necklace which Daddy had given me for my Sweet Sixteen. I had also found a pearl necklace for 50 cents at the thrift store when I was buying my gowns and shoes. Still, Margaret Dumont was known for wearing long strings of pearls and Alexis Carrigan was known for the huge honking gemstones she wore. I wanted both.

So, I checked out my local party supply shop. Long strings of pearls are worn in New Orleans for Mardi Gras and, even New England party stores stock them. They also stock sparkly bracelets for $2.99 and tiaras (I found one which read "Princess" in the most glittery glitter for a mere $7.99! It wouldn't have suited Margaret nor Alexis, so I declined to purchase it.) Also, Craft stores stock long strands of pearls which can be made into necklaces by gluing the ends together with “Goop” glue. And don’t forget ebay! That is where I ultimately found my huge gemstone rings and earrings, along with a diamond dollar sign pendant, dollar sign earrings and a lot of 4 pearl necklaces for a mere $25.00! Just so you know, it is a much better value to look for jewelry lots on ebay - more jewels for less cash!

Finally, I found gloves, handbag and a tiara, the remaining portion of my outfit, on trusty ebay. I found a lovely pair of white opera-length gloves for $5.00, including shipping and an even lovelier beaded handbag for a mere $ 6.00. Then I found my tiara for a mere $11.95 with shipping! My billionairess outfit was now complete! The entire process had taken one week of exhausting work and a $120.00 (but keep in mind that I bought three gowns, two fur coats, a fine pair of shoes and scads of jewels with that small amount of cash! A Billionairess with more restraint could do it all for under $50.00!).

The Fabulous Coat!

The next big problem I faced was my coat. After trying on my gowns at the thrift emporium, I examined the coat rack there. They had quite an assortment of coats, including a lovely faux fur coat which was, alas, too small. There were also some fine wool coats there. For a moment, I considered buying a wool coat and dressing it up with diamonds from a craft store. Small cellophane packets of diamonds are available for a mere $1.79 at my local crafts store and a glue called “Goop” does wonders for affixing diamonds to wool. Ultimately, I decided against all the home crafts nonsense and to just buy a fur! After all, fur is how we billionaires show our splendor!

With that in mind, I found a lovely soft grey faux fur on ebay. Perfect! And I only paid $20.00 with the shipping and handling! I also bought another, more Margaret Dumont-esque faux sable fur coat with a gorgeous stand-up collar for a mere $32 dollars with shipping.

Having the two radically different styles of coats may mean that I have a split personae, but I can afford to live with that! Stay tuned for more adventures, darling! I still have to get my hat, jewels, shoes and gloves!

Special Report: Staying Warm and Dry, Billionairess-style!

It is winter in New England, so the weather is simply dreadful! If it's not snowing, it's raining and if it's not raining, there is record wind-chill! What is a billionairess to do when she must take action for hours outdoors?

It's easy, darling! Wear long underwear, wear layers and wear faux fur! If it's raining and you don't have a fur which reverses to a raincoat, find an appropriate umbrella! One of mine is iridescent magenta trimmed with diamonds - very luxe!

The key to staying comfortable is to wear layers. For example, when I went to Boston Common on December 12, the temperature was ~45 degrees and the wind was blowing at about 10-15 mph. I wore long underwear, a knit jumper and my gown under my fur coat. As you can see from the photos, I was so warm that I kept the coat open! On December 18th, the temperature was only about 35 degrees, so I wore essentially the same outfit with the addition of my new faux fur hat. I was sweating!

Rain is a special problem, since so many raincoats lack that je ne sais quoi that a Billionairess demands. But don't despair! There are things you can do! First, if it is raining, wear a gown with a straight skirt. It's also best to wear a gown that does not touch the ground, since water will travel up long skirts by capillary action. I wear a straight cut gown which fits under my posh umbrella and try to stay under its protection. Of course, you can always recruit four gorgeous young men to hold a large waterproof canopy over your head. Sadly, I have been unable to do that yet. Sigh.

Special Report: Cleaning Gowns and Faux Furs

There is no doubt that dry cleaning is the quickest and easiest way to clean one's gowns and faux furs*. But what if one is a low-liquidity billionairess and simply doesn't have that kind of ready money? There are alternatives, darling!

First, check the fiber content of your gown or faux fur. If it is synthetic, such as polyester, you will probably be able to wash it yourself, as long as you take care. If the gown or fur is of natural fibers, such as cotton or silk, you will probably be able to refresh it using a product such as Dryel, even if you cannot clean it.

To refresh a natural fiber gown or fur, purchase a product such as Dryel and follow the directions. The kits essentially eliminate odors in the fabric as well as help you remove unsightly spots, but are not a substitute for a thorough dry cleaning. However, they can help you extend the time between dry cleanings and thus can save you money.

To thoroughly clean a synthetic fiber gown or fur, there are a couple of methods. There are also a couple of cautions: First, make sure your gown or fur is color-fast by wetting an unnoticable area and letting it dry. Is the color the same as the surrounding area which did not get wet? If so, the garment is color-fast. If the garment is not color-fast, you will be better off getting it dry cleaned. Also, be sure to leave plenty of time for the gown or coat to dry - thick faux furs may take up to 4 days to dry! Another important thing to keep in mind is to never twist or wring your garment - that can easily ruin the way it hangs! So, let's get started, darling:

The easiest way to wash a color-fast synthetic garment is to use your washing machine in this special way: Since the agitator can easily damage fine fabric and twist your garment, put your gown in the washer and fill it with cold water. Put a small amount of mild detergent such as Woolite or dishwashing liquid into the stream of water. Use just a small amount - a tablespoonful at most. Allow the washer to fill then TURN IT OFF before the agitator starts! It is important to NOT allow the agitator to work. Gently press the garment down into the water until it is completely saturated and the detergent is distributed. You want to make sure you do not twist the garment! Let it sit for about a half hour, occasionally moving the garment gently with your hands. Then turn the dial to the spin part of the wash cycle. This will spin your garment to get out the excess water. You may need to redistribute the coat to keep the machine from being too unbalanced. Now allow the machine to fill with cold rinse water, STOP the machine before the agitator starts, use your hands to press the garment into the water again and let it soak for a half hour or so. Again, occasionally move the garment gently by hand to allow the clean water to dissolve all the remaining detergent. Again turn the dial to the spin cycle and let the machine spin the garment so it is no longer soaking wet. For faux furs, you may want to rinse the fur twice, since any detergent residue will make the fur look gummy.

If you do not have a washing machine, you can try the above method at an uncrowded laundromat - first check the machine to see if you can turn it on and off. If a washing machine is not an option, you can wash your gown or coat in your bathtub or large washbasin. Fill up the tub with cold water and a small amount of mild detergent. Let the garment soak with occasional gentle agitation with your hands. Drain the water and press excess water out of the garment with your hands. NEVER twist or wring the garment! Rinse thoroughly, drain the tub and again press excess water out with your hands. A trick for getting a garment dry without a spin cycle is to lay it on a large number of clean dry towels, roll up the towels and press the roll with your hands (or even step on it while wearing clean socks - be prepared to get a little wet).

It is best to let your newly cleaned coat or gown dry flat, by laying it out square and straight on layer of towels or sheets on the floor. If you do not have enough clean towels and floor space for that (or if your cats like taking excursions over wet taffeta, as mine do), hang the gown or fur to dry. Make sure to hang the garment on a plastic or wooden hanger (no wire!) so that the shoulder seams follow the hanger or so that the garment hangs straight and square (correct any twist in the garment by pulling it gently into shape). Keep in mind that a thick faux fur coat may need to be turned several times in order to dry completely (let it dry for about a day, turn it inside out for about a day, then turn it right-side out to finish drying).
Once it is dry, iron your gown - that way you will not inadvertently steam it. Once your faux fur is dry, use a flexible bristled brush or fine-toothed comb to gently brush it out to make it fluffy and glamourous once more.

So, if you take care and know your garments fiber content, you can save a little money by cleaning your luxe garments yourself. That's cold hard cash you can you to treat yourself to your next spa trip, darling!


*NEVER try to clean a real fur yourself! Please have your natural furs cleaned by a professional!

Special Report: Hair and Makeup

As you can see from my photos, my maid never knows what to do with my hair. Sadly, salons are noisy, smelly and crowded with the unwashed middle classes. So, what is one to do when one needs to look one’s best? Can't one do that same old thing to one’s hair that one has been doing every day of her life? No! Do you think the Republican wives just comb and go? No! They spend hours on their hair! So, you should too!

I hear you saying that one doesn’t have time, darling. I understand. Consider some alternatives such as wigs or hair extensions. There are scads on ebay and you are sure to find a suitable style to fit your budget and persona. If a wig is not your style, find a way to fix your hair so it does NOT look natural. Experiment with a blow dryer and gel . Or, if one objects to the energy used by the blow-dryer, chemicals used in the gel and time it takes to practice, you can always purchase diamond-studded bobby pins and find a way to put your hair up so it looks quite deluxe. There are any number of websites which can show you how. Here is one example for those with long hair: http://www.beautyriot.com/category.php?id=65.
Last but definitely not least, remember make-up can make a billionairess look like, well, a billion bucks! Even if you don’t usually wear make-up, consider at least some eyeliner and lipstick. I know, I know that it's difficult, darling. Just close your eyes and think about Georgie!

Special Report: Gown Alterations

As a young lady, I resented it when the Dowager forced me to attend Miss Mary's Finishing School for Young Ladies. But now I know how to alter my beautiful new gowns myself! I could always take my gowns to a tailor shop or dry cleaning establishment for alterations, but my budget was so strained by my recent purchases, that I decided to do the work with my own two hands. Here is a special report on how you can also alter your own gowns!

It is easier to do alterations with a pal such as a sorority sister. You will also need a box of pins, a full length mirror and a smaller hand mirror (if you are doing this alone). You can buy straight pins almost anywhere nowadays, even at drug stores, so don’t fret. Get comfortable in a well-lit, warm room with a bed or table near the mirror for all your tools. It is crucial, as Miss Mary would say over and over again, to keep one’s composure while doing alterations.

First, turn your new gown inside out and take a look at how it is made. Usually, there are two side seams which attach the front of the dress to the back (a seam is just a fancy word for a line of stitching). Sometimes there are darts which pinch the gown in at the waist. Think about where you can make the gown smaller (called "taking it in") or where you can make it larger (called "letting it out"). Look for areas of complicated construction or padding. Generally, unless you have an excellent seamstress handy, you do not want to alter those areas.

Now, turn the gown back right-side out and try it on. Make sure you are wearing the ...um...foundation garments you plan to wear, even the long underwear I mentioned earlier. Seriously, darling, you will absolutely love the long underwear after standing in the cold for hours! Trust me! Stand in front of a full-length mirror and take a hard look. Look for where the gown is loose and/or where it is too tight. Areas which are bunched up or puckered are too tight no matter how much you hate the thought of it! Use the hand mirror to take a look at yourself from the back. Now, take the gown off, turn it inside out again and put it back on! For this next part, you will need the box of pins. With the pins close at hand or in the hand of your friend, stand in front of the full-length mirror again & remember where those areas were that you need to change. If you need to let an area out, take a pin & put it in the seam allowance (or have your friend do it). If you need to take an area in, pin in the gown half of the desired amount on one side & half on the other (or have your friend do it). You can always adjust the actual amounts later. Take your time and don’t fret if you have to re-pin some areas. Eat some bon-bons. Have a martini.

Now take the gown off carefully turn it right-side out again (this is getting exhausting, darling, but think of it as your daily exercise!). Carefully try the gown on one more time and look to see how the gown looks. Make adjustments as necessary. If you don’t have a good enough friend to help and find it too hard to pin the seams yourself, consider using a dressmaker's form or making your own with duct tape ! (http://www.taunton.com/threads/pages/t00002_p2.asp) I understand that it is some silver tape you can buy almost anywhere. Once you have pinned your gown, simply adjust the pins one more time so there are smooth transitions along each seam. Sew along your line of pins by hand or by machine. If you need more help than given here, try searching the Internets with something called Google! There are many websites done by sewing fanatics! One can even learn how to make 17th century Icelandic clothing! What would one do with that, I wonder?